A Taylor Swift night.

I'm not going to sit here & say that I'm perfectly fine. Because that would be a lie.

So I ended things the other night, for good this time. I told my mom, sister, & a few friends to not let me talk to you. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it was right. I just can't get your face out of my head.

The face. The face you made when you finally realized what I was saying to you. The face you made whenever I would pull out of the hug that we were in. I couldn't think of anything to say to comfort you, there was nothing I could do. & I wanted to. The face you had when I said "bye" & closed my door with you just standing there, staring back at me. Your face drenched in your tears, your eyes so scared of what just happened. The face that will forever be imprinted in my mind as the last thing I saw of you.

So what am I doing? How am I doing? Sitting here listening to Taylor swift, replaying memories in my mind. How could something so amazing, so incredible, go from that to this? This thing we've had for the past six months. Where we'd argue all the time, but you'd over look it. Where we'd have our good days, man I love those. But they just kept becoming more scarce. I literally hate myself for this. I was so in love with you. So in love with you. & now look at us. But there's nothing to do now. We couldn't fix it. There was no fixing. We both tried, & it didn't work.

When I get so upset, I feel terrible. There's nothing like this feeling. When you left, I went back to my room, & starting balling. & couldn't feel my stomach, my insides, my heart. Nothing. I couldn't feel it. It literally felt like it'd all been torn right out of me. I never believed people when they said that's what it felt like. A heart break. I didn't think it could happen. But I was empty. I am empty. I try to keep myself busy. & when I'm busy, I can actually not think about it. It's freedom. Freedom from this terrible feeling. Tonight's my first night by myself, staying home. It's just awful. I can't not think about it. I can't escape it. But I have to. I will be okay. Right? When's that gonna happen, huh?