Everything in my life is crashing all of the sudden.

I just broke up with my boy friend for the third time in two years. Wow, hasn't really been three times? I know that sounds ridiculous, but in between the breakups & "get back together"'s it was really incredible-most of the time. He was my rock. When everything else in my life was a blur, he was the only thing in focus. & now? I'm upset. Yeah, I'M the one that broke up with HIM, so fucking what? I can't feel anything? I can't still want to hold on after two years? Everything just poofs away? Yeah, if only it were that easy.

People keep asking me, "if you're so upset about it, then why'd you do it?" Because if I hadn't, I'd be living a lie. Yes, I was in love with him. Deeply, & undeniably in love with him. But, after everything that's happened with us, & being together every day, & everything else; things just kept adding up. I started getting sick of the same thing everyday. I started kicking myself because my love for him was changing. My feelings were changing. Changing, not going away. I started seeing him as more of a best friend then a boy friend. & I kept getting so scared, & didn't know what to do. How could my feelings be changing like this towards a person who, at one point or another, I said I would marry & be so happy with? & no, not just the "oh, I'm going to marry him." Like a lot of high school relationships say they will do. We were legit. Nothing could touch us.

I still sit & think about you, all the time. I still look at old pictures of us together, & admire how perfect we were for each other. I still love you. I still cry every single day, kicking myself, because I wish my feelings hadn't changed. Our love was different. I don't think I'll ever feel a love like that again. We literally were the perfect couple, & I had to mess it up? What the hell is wrong with me? How could I do this to us? I know I could have you back. I know you still love me in the way that you used to. But, I can't keep doing this to you. It's not fair to you, at all. I'm not going to be the one hurting you anymore.

I miss it all. I miss the way we fit perfectly together, just laying there staring at each other in wonder. Both thinking the same thing, "how could I get someone so amazing?" I miss the way you used to tap me three times, anywhere on my body, telling me that you loved me. I miss the way you used to kiss me three times, on my forehead, nose, then lips, telling me you loved me. I miss the way you used to be my own personal space heater, your body heat giving me the warmth I always needed. I miss the way you used to whisper to me, "you're my baby girl." I miss the way we used to go to Groucho's every single day, but you didn't care, it was where I wanted to go. I miss the way we used to go to the movies all the time, pretty much always agreeing on whatever movie we saw. I miss singing with you in the car. I miss your voice. I miss the way you told me I looked beautiful every single time I saw you, even though I hit you every time you said it.

I miss a lot, but it will get better.

"Everything gets better with time." Believe it, baby, & it will come true.