No kidding.

I want:

• To hug you.
• To lay on you.
• To hear your heartbeat again.
• To fall asleep with your arms around me.
• To watch a movie with you.
• To hear you call me your baby girl.
• To feel you kiss my forehead.
• To be cold, just to feel your warmth.
• To vent to you.
• To cry, while feeling your arms around me.
• To start over.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I'd have just tried harder, it wouldn't be like this.

I still remember the look on your face, lit through the darkness at one fifty eight.
The words that you whispered, for just us to know.
You told me you loved me, so why did you go, away?

I do recall now, the smell of the rain.
Fresh on the pavement, I ran off the plane.
That July nineth, the beat of your heart.
It jumps through your shirt, I can still feel your arms.

& now I'll go, sit on the floor, wearing your clothes.
All that I know is, I don't know, how to be something you miss..

Never thought we'd have a last kiss.
Never imagined we'd end like this.
Your name, forever the name on my lips.

I do remember, the swing in your step.
The life of the party, you're showing off again.
& I roll my eyes & then you pull me in.
I'm not much for dancing, but for you I did.

Because I love your handshake, meetin' my father.
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets.
How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying somethin'.
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

& I'll go, sit on the floor, wearing your clothes.
All that I know is, I don't know, how to be something you miss.

Never thought we'd have a last kiss.
Never imagined we'd end like this.
Your name, forever the name on my lips.

So I watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep.
& I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe.
& I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are;
hope it's nice where you are.

& I hope the sun shines
& it's a beautiful day
& something reminds you
You wish you had stayed
You can plan for a change in the weather & time
But I never planned on you changing your mind

So, I'll go, sit on the floor, wearing your clothes.
All that I know is, I don't know, how to be something you miss.

Never thought we'd have a last kiss.
Never imagined we'd end like this.
Your name, forever the name on my lips.

Just like our last kiss.
Forever the name on my lips.
Forever the name on my lips.
Just like our last kiss.

A Taylor Swift night.

I'm not going to sit here & say that I'm perfectly fine. Because that would be a lie.

So I ended things the other night, for good this time. I told my mom, sister, & a few friends to not let me talk to you. Probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but it was right. I just can't get your face out of my head.

The face. The face you made when you finally realized what I was saying to you. The face you made whenever I would pull out of the hug that we were in. I couldn't think of anything to say to comfort you, there was nothing I could do. & I wanted to. The face you had when I said "bye" & closed my door with you just standing there, staring back at me. Your face drenched in your tears, your eyes so scared of what just happened. The face that will forever be imprinted in my mind as the last thing I saw of you.

So what am I doing? How am I doing? Sitting here listening to Taylor swift, replaying memories in my mind. How could something so amazing, so incredible, go from that to this? This thing we've had for the past six months. Where we'd argue all the time, but you'd over look it. Where we'd have our good days, man I love those. But they just kept becoming more scarce. I literally hate myself for this. I was so in love with you. So in love with you. & now look at us. But there's nothing to do now. We couldn't fix it. There was no fixing. We both tried, & it didn't work.

When I get so upset, I feel terrible. There's nothing like this feeling. When you left, I went back to my room, & starting balling. & couldn't feel my stomach, my insides, my heart. Nothing. I couldn't feel it. It literally felt like it'd all been torn right out of me. I never believed people when they said that's what it felt like. A heart break. I didn't think it could happen. But I was empty. I am empty. I try to keep myself busy. & when I'm busy, I can actually not think about it. It's freedom. Freedom from this terrible feeling. Tonight's my first night by myself, staying home. It's just awful. I can't not think about it. I can't escape it. But I have to. I will be okay. Right? When's that gonna happen, huh?

The only one I ever let you take because I hate them, & now it's my favorite.

Everything in my life is crashing all of the sudden.

I just broke up with my boy friend for the third time in two years. Wow, hasn't really been three times? I know that sounds ridiculous, but in between the breakups & "get back together"'s it was really incredible-most of the time. He was my rock. When everything else in my life was a blur, he was the only thing in focus. & now? I'm upset. Yeah, I'M the one that broke up with HIM, so fucking what? I can't feel anything? I can't still want to hold on after two years? Everything just poofs away? Yeah, if only it were that easy.

People keep asking me, "if you're so upset about it, then why'd you do it?" Because if I hadn't, I'd be living a lie. Yes, I was in love with him. Deeply, & undeniably in love with him. But, after everything that's happened with us, & being together every day, & everything else; things just kept adding up. I started getting sick of the same thing everyday. I started kicking myself because my love for him was changing. My feelings were changing. Changing, not going away. I started seeing him as more of a best friend then a boy friend. & I kept getting so scared, & didn't know what to do. How could my feelings be changing like this towards a person who, at one point or another, I said I would marry & be so happy with? & no, not just the "oh, I'm going to marry him." Like a lot of high school relationships say they will do. We were legit. Nothing could touch us.

I still sit & think about you, all the time. I still look at old pictures of us together, & admire how perfect we were for each other. I still love you. I still cry every single day, kicking myself, because I wish my feelings hadn't changed. Our love was different. I don't think I'll ever feel a love like that again. We literally were the perfect couple, & I had to mess it up? What the hell is wrong with me? How could I do this to us? I know I could have you back. I know you still love me in the way that you used to. But, I can't keep doing this to you. It's not fair to you, at all. I'm not going to be the one hurting you anymore.

I miss it all. I miss the way we fit perfectly together, just laying there staring at each other in wonder. Both thinking the same thing, "how could I get someone so amazing?" I miss the way you used to tap me three times, anywhere on my body, telling me that you loved me. I miss the way you used to kiss me three times, on my forehead, nose, then lips, telling me you loved me. I miss the way you used to be my own personal space heater, your body heat giving me the warmth I always needed. I miss the way you used to whisper to me, "you're my baby girl." I miss the way we used to go to Groucho's every single day, but you didn't care, it was where I wanted to go. I miss the way we used to go to the movies all the time, pretty much always agreeing on whatever movie we saw. I miss singing with you in the car. I miss your voice. I miss the way you told me I looked beautiful every single time I saw you, even though I hit you every time you said it.

I miss a lot, but it will get better.

"Everything gets better with time." Believe it, baby, & it will come true.